Father’s Day is kinda weird over here. It’s cooler now that we have a kid of our own, so we celebrate in our own little circle. But ever since my thirteenth birthday in 1998, it’s been almost sad, even though my dad is still alive & kicking… I think.
My thirteenth birthday was the day that my dad walked out on us for good, after 25 years of screwing around on my mom. I didn’t stop loving him after that, not even a little bit. But our connection, the “Daddy & little girl” bond we’d always had, died that day. That day I realized I could never look up to him as the perfect man he’d always been in my eyes.
I still love him. Very, very much.
I see my dad every couple months, at best. He lives forty or so minutes away, but never seems to be able to answer the phone, or reply to emails. He’s met his granddaughter maybe half a dozen times. She wouldn’t recognize him if he showed up at our doorstep right now. But as much as our relationship has changed in the last twelve years, we could always count on Father’s Day to at least pretend that everything was still ok. In his OTHER house. With his OTHER family.
Today, he didn’t pick up the phone for anyone.
He told us he’d be in Alabama, on the other side of the country, and wouldn’t be able to visit until sometime after Independence Day. It’s a little longer than we’re used to, but understandable, given his newish job with the DOD. I guess I expected a little too much when I thought I might at least get to talk to him today.
As I’m typing this, my mom looks over and says “tomorrow would have been mine & your dad’s 35th wedding anniversary.” She has no idea what I’m blogging about, or even what a blog is. It’s been twelve years… she’s still keeping count.
The last dozen or so Father’s Days have been a little sad for us. The last two have been better, celebrating with my amazing husband who is the best dad I’ve ever known. But when I reflect on the way things used to be, and the way things are now… I can only hope for my own daughter that she will never understand how torn I feel about the daddy I so looked up to as a little girl.
I love you, @xfr0stx.
And I love my daddy too.
